I have struggled this week, having been on infusions (every 8 weeks) for awhile and it seems that last week I have run out of the drug before this weeks infusion. So we are looking at increasing the frequency (every 6 weeks). This should help and will I hope prevent me walking away from a role that I love but I may have too. When considering this I feel terrible because how committed to it I am and have been for over a decade. But I am not sure I physically handle it.
I sometimes feel cruel because I have begun to force myself to walk away from unhealthy situations. My crohns means that I have significant health issues, one of these is I can have flares caused by stress. Thus I can’t afford to be used as a punching bag for someone else. It is on the advice of mental health professionals that I have taken these actions and there are red flags that trigger this response from me. These are wanting more from me than I am offering and over expectations on what I can do to support them. For people on the outside it can seem unkind and rude but I don’t have unlimited spoons thus I have no choice but to not engage.
I know people don’t understand and they have been known to lash out making things worse. I make no apologies because the physical discomfort reminds me every day why I walk away from these situations. I had to walk away from a role I loved, it went belly up after I left, not because I left. However, I still feel guilty, maybe I could have done something. Another one was because the travel was too draining, fortunately they have gone strength to strength but I do miss them.
It is an ongoing issue for me I wish I didn’t have to deal with but walking away from these situations are important and have improved my health significantly and I will have to make similar decisions in the future even if I don’t want to. So I guess I am writing this so people understand I am not doing this to be cruel, be an arsehole or anything like that I am making decisions based on my health.